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Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Kahlil Gibran, Love, Marriage, memoir, poetry, relationship, Romance, Soul Mates
They say opposites attract. That was true when my husband and I first met. I found in him everything I felt missing in myself—he was strong and brave, adventurous, self-confident, practical, capable, a man of the world. I was shy, timid, uncertain of myself, a romantic, an idealist, inexperienced. I was a senior in High School. He was a marine returning home from two years in Viet Nam. I thought I had found my soul mate, we seemed to complement each other so well, like two halves of a whole, yin and yang.
The truth is, we were just what we needed at the time. This dark, moody often angry young man who could also be so sweet and loving fulfilled a romantic yearning in me to sooth the savaged soul—Beauty and the Beast, after all, had always been my favorite fairy tale. And he was sorely needing the sweetness and innocence he saw in me, after the things he had witnessed in war. We fit together perfectly in each other’s arms. We still do.
But now I no longer believe in soul mates. I discovered that all the things I was attracted to in him, that seemed to be missing pieces of me, were really undeveloped parts of myself, and a sense of “completion” could not come from outside me but from within. Once I realized that and began to discover that I too was strong and brave, adventurous, self-confident and capable, I no longer yearned for a soul mate. I could stand upright and free even while fully committed to our marriage. We did not need each other, but we chose to be together. We were committed to creating a life that we both could love and enjoy together.
I had always loved what Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet had written about marriage, and came to see the wisdom of his words:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart. And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” ― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
I also came to realize what Anne Morrow Lindbergh in Gift From The Sea” wrote:
“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.
The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”
And finally, I whole-heartedly embraced what Madeleine L’Engle in “The Irrational Season” wrote:
“To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take . . . . If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation… It takes a lifetime to learn another person… When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.”
My husband and I celebrated our 43rd anniversary last week. Here’s what I’ve learned about lasting love:
That marriage is a journey, not a destination, and the way will be hard, and filled with obstacles and challenges and heartache. That real love is not “true love.” It’s not a given. It doesn’t come ready-made. You have to fight for it, you have to work for it, you have to shake it out from time to time, and mend it and keep adding stitch after stitch, row after row, if you want to make it big enough and strong enough to last a lifetime.
Our marriage quilt is a tattered thing, but beautiful in its homeliness, in the places where its obvious rips and tears have been mended over and over again, the places where it’s grown thin and threadbare and had to be reinforced, as well as the places where it’s warm and soft and scented with memories that bring deep pleasure.
Loveliest of all are the stitches we are still sowing day by day, moment by moment, hand in hand, together.
I will end this series of posts on love and marriage with the last love poem I wrote my husband, a few years after our marriage had almost ended.
It is a simple, playful poem, meant to please a man who is not a lover of poetry, but loves the woman who writes it.
To Dale, On Our Twelfth Wedding Anniversary
Sometimes you ask me if I really love you,
Like the answers hid behind a lock and key
You are my love and all the world must know it
For it’s scattered ‘cross the land and half the sea.
There are winds and waves much sweetened by our pleasure,
Rocks and sand well smoothed by hips and thighs,
Grass that grows much greener from our nearness,
And trees that rustle still with sated sighs.
If you climb a certain stream that flows near Big Sur
You’ll find a rock well made for lying on,
It knew our love before it was made sacred
And longs to feel our lover’s urge again.
While high along the rugged spine of Baja,
Where boney cliffs fall far to find the sea,
We saw the world stripped bare of all but beauty
And we alone like Adam and his Eve.
The moon once tipped the hills beyond Coyote
And laced Conception Bay with fluorescent light,
We swam out naked through those silken waters
Where you wound me round your hips and held me tight.
And cupped within the palm of Virgin Gorda
Lies an island and a secret, sandy cove,
Where we waded from the sea like mating mermen
And stretched upon the sand to prove our love.
The wind once made an early morning visit
As we rolled upon a hook in Carib Bight,
While sweeping down the hatch it caught us naked
And added its cool breath to our delight.
Now wind and sea and rock and tree can tell you
The answer that you say you do not know,
You are my love and all the world’s a witness
For its sung wherever winds and waves do blow.
NOTE: This ends a series of posts that originally were supposed to be part of a series of love poems to celebrate April as National Poetry Month. Eventually it morphed into something else–a memoir of our marriage, or an anatomy of love as it evolves over time. Below are the first four posts in the series, which seem to cover married love in all of its manifestations: Innocent love, erotic love, disappointed love, love lost, love renewed, and love that lasts.
Silly Little Love Poems, Unloosed at Last
Loved the article!! the quote by Anne Morrow Lindbergh made so much sense!! But one thing that got me confused is when do you decide to let go of someone?? If you decide on accepting the relationship as it is at every moment in life wouldn’t there be the absence of cutting someone out of your life?? even though it is necessary to let go isnt it??
Knowing when to let go is hard, and everyone has to make that decision based on their own experiences. I had thought it was time to let go of my husband and was sure it was the right decision. But when he wanted a second chance, and was willing to change, and actually put time and effort into proving he could change, even to the point of me not only feeling respect for him, but a renewed sense of love, that’s when I realized I could not let go of him. Had he not been willing to change or made no effort to do so, I don’t think we would be together today.
It takes TWO people willing to work at a marriage to make it last. If it’s only one, it’s not really a marriage.
ORT-ORT-ORT-ORT-ORT!!!! (The Seal of Approval…obviously!) 🙂
I hadn’t heard that expression of approval before, but happy to get it.
Beautiful! Thanks for bringing out your precious blanket, in all it’s exquisite homeliness, for us to marvel at. It is a rather lovely thing.
You are so welcome, and thank you!
That was beautiful and so honest. I find myself wavering on the fence in insecurity when it comes to just leaving the whole truth out there on the page as I begin my journey in writing and blogging. I hope I get beyond it quickly. Thanks for your words!
I’ve struggled with that too. Sometimes after I’ve posted something, I cringe, thinking maybe I shared too much. So then it is so reassuring when a reader comments and tells me how much they enjoyed what I wrote, or how much it helped them. So I give myself permission to share as much as I think is meaningful, and let the chips fall where they may. I learned long ago that it you aren’t willing to make a fool of yourself and fall on your face doing something you really believe in, then you will achieve little in life. Trust yourself–what you find meaningful, others will too.
Beautiful post.I love the drawing and the quotations
Thank you! I was ecstatic when I found the drawing. I love it too. I spend as much time and sometimes more looking for appropriate artwork to go with my posts as I do writing them.
In a world where love is always portrayed with happy endings and problem free, its nice to get a knock of reality from time to time. Thank you for painting the reality of marriage. I wish you both the best in your marriage.
I agree. I think it’s unfair to write only of our joys or successes. If life is a journey then it’s the struggles and obstacles we overcome as well as the joys that’s important to share.
Reblogged this on Marilyn Holdsworth.
Thank you, Marilyn!
Sharing this was a great way to celebrate love!
Thank you for saying so. It did make me happy to write and share it.
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing. I’m not married, but I’m in a relationship where I’m beginning to discover some of what you have discovered in your 43 years of marriage: that real relationships take lots of hard work, effort, and patience- and you can’t sit there waiting for your expectations to be filled. This morning read is a great way to start my day, thank you!
Thank you for writing, I’m so glad you liked this.
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hi – I really nice story, thanks for sharing. The honesty and openness is awesome.
I really appreciate that, thank you.
I wish everyone who was on the brink of getting married would read this. This wisdom is not taught in premarital counseling and sometimes when in the phase of ‘bliss,’ the reality of this is difficult to conceptualize. Thank you for the insight.
You are so right, it is hard to grasp when in the throws of first love. Thank you for writing.
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43 years? Wow! Good post. Loved the part about what Anne Morrow Lindbergh because it’s so true. “When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to.” It’s an insight we tend to forget when our partner drives us the most crazy. 🙂
I know! It’s hard for me to believe it’s been that long. I loved that part of her quote too. So glad you stopped by and left a comment.
I especially loved your quotes from Kahlil Gibran. Today after reading this, i got a new perspective on love and relationship. Your symbolism of marriage quilt is brilliant, and i loved your poem. I am sure your husband would have gone mad out of joy with such a beautiful poetic reply to his question.
I’m so glad you liked the poem. I wish his response had been as you imagined. Alas, he’s not the demonstrative type. But he did like it. Thank you so much for writing.
This is truly beautiful. I too am in the beginning of a marriage where two opposites attract and am finding it difficult to overcome those differences. Everything I loved about him when we first started dating ten years ago are all of the things that three years into marriage irritate me. Thanks for sharing your journey!
I sympathize with you and can’t help smiling a bit about how the same qualities you fell in love with are now so irritating. I hope things work out for you as they did for us. Best wishes and thank you so much for coming here and leaving your comment.
🙂 Thank you for proving that it can work! And sharing some very beautiful moments from your marriage!
“For richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health ..” My wife and I celebrate our 40th this year (Christmas eve) and we’ve been through all the struggles and come out the stronger for it, I think.
Thank you for putting into words all that I might have done if I had the skill.
Congratulations on your 40th! I am so happy this spoke to you. Thank you for stopping here and writing.
Reblogged this on Murphy's Law.
Thank you for the reblog!
When we meet the right one, a strong power can be formed. My wife and I have been together for 14 years now. We dated for the first year and then married. I know for a fact I couldn’t have found a better person. I love each and every year. Struggles will happen, but there a little easier when you go through them with the right person.
You sound like you have a wonderful life-partner. I am so happy for you. Your comment means a lot to me. Thank you for writing.
I really do & thank you.
That was such a beautiful and honest piece to read. Congratulations on your lasting love and thank you for sharing it. I’m four years into the journey, I can only dream of making it to 43. Like you say, it doesn’t come ready made. The best things in life are never easy, but that’s part of what makes them so worthwhile.
Thank you. I wish you and your love every success! Enjoy every step of the journey, even the difficult times. It passes so quickly.
So true. 🙂
Gorgeously written and I thank you! As a newly wed…this is important to remember!
Thank you! Happy to pass on to the next generation a bit of what I’ve learned over these last 43 years of marriage.
Thank you for this…truly.
You’re welcome!
This was absolutely beautiful. I love the quotes you provided by all those writers. Thank you.
I loved the quotes too. Thank you.
This gave me a whole new perspective on Marriage. Thank you!
Hoping it helped. So glad you stopped by and left a note.
This is so beautiful. As I embark on a new relationship now I will heed your words and relax. We are growing together slowly and just because we aren’t moving fast and furious doesn’t mean we don’t have an amazing connection. I can’t begin to tell you how much your post has alleviated worry from me. Two souls coming together as individuals, not to be joined but to walk a path together.
Also, on blog writing, I just started mine and feel so naked. I like what you commented to someone else, “I learned long ago that it you aren’t willing to make a fool of yourself and fall on your face doing something you really believe in, then you will achieve little in life. Trust yourself–what you find meaningful, others will too.” I will carry THAT with me too. Just be me…
Your comment made my day. It’s wonderful to connect with couples starting out on their journey and also with new bloggers. I hope you will enjoy writing these posts as much I have been. Making these connections is what it’s al about. Thanks so much for writing!
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That was beautiful, and I love your quilt analogy. Just simply wonderful.
Thank you!
I really think I needed to hear this. Thank you.
I’m so glad you liked it.
Reblogged this on India.
Thank you, I’m honored.
Reblogged this on chintamanis and commented:
My hubby+I = Old Souls 😉
I love that–“old souls”. Thank you for reblogging!
Thanks for the lovely quotes about what love is and what sort of demands and expectations are fair to place on our partners.I particularly like Anne Morrow Lindberg’s quote.
I read the one from Lindberg at my daughter’s wedding recently, so it was one of my favorites too! Thanks so much for writing.
Thanks for sharing. Really Nice. I am moved. Keep writing.
My blogs at : http://anoptimistic.wordpress.com
Please visit and share your views.
Thanks !!
Thanks for the encouragement! I’ll check out your blog too.
Very much enjoyed reading this blog. Thank you for sharing.
You are so welcome. Thanks for stopping by.
When I finally learned how to love myself, I finally learned how to love others. It can be so tough but true love was first falling head over heals with myself. Spiritually, physically and intimately. I’m glad I did because I found my husband that way.
Yes, what you say is so true. Learning to love yourself is first and foremost, but unfortunately for most of us comes, later in life.
I agree!! I think I will still discover new ways of loving myself that I never new existed. Only in time. Which is nice.
This is lovely! I wish that all youngsters going into a marriage were aware that it doesn’t just happen, it actually takes work. I think that keeping your marriage on a good footing can be one of the hardest things you will ever work at. But its also one of the most worthwhile.
Thank you, Carolyn! I so agree.
I just got married and we have just passed our one month anniversary. It’s so lovely to be encouraged hearing about your long marriage of love, which is so clearly as tender now as it was when you were first married. Thank you!
Congratulations! My daughter was just married too recently. Wishing you a long a long and loving relationship, and a warm and cozy marriage quilt.
A beautiful love letter with a lesson for all…. 🙂
Beautiful 🙂
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As we mature we are able to see beauty even in the midst of adversity. Often the act of baring our soul is reward in itself. Whether others appreciate it becomes secondary.
Lovely. Thank you for leaving that thought here.
Congratulations on 43 years of marriage. I LOVE your honesty. Your choice of words is beautiful as is your love story. You inspire me.